Let’s Do Lunch Love

Meshing the ideas of my two previous posts, I’d like to take some time to talk about being in love and its relation to a commitment to love.  I left off last time with a question of whether we are designed to sustain long-term relationships, or if, as has been suggested, we are incapable of this. I believe it starts with defining love.

 So what is love?  There used to be a comic in the newspaper (maybe there still is, but who reads a newspaper anymore, right?) that was a one-panel drawing with the words “Love is…” at the top and then a depiction of something nice being done by one person for another.  It was followed by a written description of what was in the picture, such as “Not asking her how much her new dress cost.”  The idea was to point out many of the little ways we can show love to one another.  It was cute, if perhaps a little syrupy sometimes.  But is that really what love is?  Is it the little moments and simple gestures that are often easily overlooked?  I think that’s part of it, sure.

There is also an oft-used Biblical passage that has an almost summing-up quality to it that explains what love is.  You know it, but indulge me:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

This is not the King James version that you may used to, however I like this because it puts it in easily understood language.   But I digress.  Let’s talk a little bit about this one.  I could probably do an entire post on just this passage, but for now, let’s take a longer view.  You will notice, that nowhere in this passage, nor in the comic strip mentioned prior, is love described as that starry-eyed, butterfly-bellied, pulse-quickening, pheromone-induced hyperstate that we frequently attribute to the act of being in love.  Not at all.

Love protects.  Not, Love makes my palms sweat.

 Love perseveres.   Not, Love makes me see your face when I close my eyes.

 Love is not asking how much the dress costs.  Not, Love makes me think of how hot you looked in that dress last night.

 Love is patient. That’s a big one.  It’s patient when your husband is focused on fantasy football and doesn’t notice your new jeans.  It’s patient when your wife spent more time talking to her friend who just got in a fight with her boyfriend than talking to you about your jerky boss. It’s patient when one of you is “in the mood” while the other is exhausted and would simply prefer a foot rub.

I don’t want this post to go on too long and lose you, so let me just say a couple of things, and then we can dig in some more in another post.  Here’s the point:  All of the things that “Love is” can be boiled down to verbs.  Actions.  Things that you do not things that happen to you.  It’s active, not passive.  You have to decide to love.  You have to make conscious choices.

I asked a while back if we can love monogamously and if we can commit to love long-term, and I asked you to ponder whether relationships, marriages, could really pass the test of time. What do you think?

I think the answer is a resounding “yes” when we grow up, mature, and realize that love is something we do, on purpose, all the time,  not just when we feel like it.  We choose to love, just like we choose get up and go to work in the morning, just like we choose to care for children or pets, just like we choose to eat right or exercise.  We choose to do it on good days and bad days, when it’s easy and when it’s hard, when we feel like it and when we don’t. But especially on bad days when it’s hard and when we don’t feel like it.

That’s maturity.

That’s what love is.

Question…

So, last time, I was asking you to ponder the idea that the “in love” feeling won’t – and can’t – last forever.  If this is the case (and I think I presented a reasonable argument for this) how can relationships be expected to last?  How do marriages, co-habitations, domestic partnerships, engagements, or dating relationships hold up long-term?  Or if they do not hold up long-term, as some statistics seem to indicate, why do we bother trying?  I’ve heard the argument that we humans are not meant for monogamy; we’re not “wired” for it.  Could this actually be the case?

 

FYI, I don’t think so.  But more on my thoughts on my next post (short on time today).

And, of course, there is that kind of love that lasts beyond…

Casual, Possibly-Nonsensical Ramblings

To you,

I don’t know whether to feel relieved, sad, or guilty.  Right now, I feel a little of all three.  But mostly guilty.  I was dreading the day, watching the calendar as it crept up.  But then I got so caught up that it came and went and I hardly noticed.  I didn’t even realize until just now that I had missed it. And now I battle this gang of emotions and the only thing I knew to do was this: to write it out.  To write it to you.

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I am finding more and more of you out there that are “reading my mind.” I have some thoughts that will be forthcoming in future blog posts, but I read this and thought it worth sharing.
~Echo

So, why are we here?

Here we are, dear reader, you and I.  Are you ready to talk about love?  Think you that this is a colossally stupid idea for a blog? Well, you may be right.  I’ll withhold my judgement for now, and maybe you will do the same?  I want to talk about this strange, captivating, fearful, mysterious thing the we call “love.”  At least for a little while, and I’ll tell you why.  I want to talk about it because it has taken me on a long, strange trip, and I need to make some sense of it, try and put into words what is at this moment subcutaneous current.  And I figured, why not process in front of the whole world, anonymously.  Yeah, a bit cowardly.  Oh well.

Feel free to leave your thoughts here, if you wish.  I’m open to discussing.  I do have a nagging suspicion that I may be the only one here, however.  Oh well, again.  I will do my best to put something of merit here every so often.  But I guess you’ll be the judge of that, eh?  So, the great experiment (or catharsis? therapy?) begins.  Let’s dig in…

When you fall in love you kind of go crazy for a while, you’ll do almost anything for that person.  It’s all hormones and pheromones and I don’t know what other kind of ‘mones.  It’s a great feeling, but it’s mindless.  You basically turn off your reasoning and common sense (assuming you had any of that in the first place), and you act – no, you react – viscerally, sensually¹.  But like I said, it’s a great feeling.  It’s a high better than any drug and a rush better than any thrill-ride.  To be clear, I’m all for it.  I think it’s great.  I do.

But (there’s always a “but,” isn’t there?), it can’t sustain. You ever been high?  Or drunk?  Probably  you have, if you’re like most, but have you ever been high or drunk for 12 hours straight? It’s possible. How about 24?  Well, maybe.  Have you ever been wasted for a week straight?  A month?  Have you ever been totally blotto for five years?  That’s a stupid question, right?  Because no one can be in an emotionally altered state for a sustained period of time.  It would kill you.  Have you ever had an orgasm that lasted so long you celebrated its anniversary?

So that brings us to the point here.  Why, when we fall “in love,” do we expect that feeling to last forever?  Who said it should be like that?  And why did we believe them?  Let me leave you to ponder that for now.  I have my thoughts on this matter, and, since it’s my blog, I’ll give them to you.

Next time.

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¹ Sensually:  1.) Relating to physical or sexual pleasure. 2.) Relating to the body or senses as opposed to the mind.

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